Monday, January 5, 2009

Past Transgressions

I am not thinking about the new year yet. I have been pondering my past instead, my distant past. The 1980s encompassed my high school and college days and thanks to the social networking tool, FaceBook, I have been reconnecting with people and places from that time. I wouldn't go so far as to say that those were the best days of my life, but they were simpler. Back then, my life was full of possibilities and now it's more inevitability. I am finding it difficult to reconcile my past with my present.

My problem is that I only want to reminisce with my old friends and acquaintances about the Lydia from the 80s and not the current crippled Lydia with multiple sclerosis (MS). I don't like having to answer the question "what are you doing now?" The answer is a real downer. I was diagnosed in 1997 and my life has pretty much been downhill from there. Kind of awkward, and not a great conversation starter. There's a friendship you might not want to reestablish.

In a lot of ways, the core of who I am hasn't changed much. I'm still pretty sarcastic with a dry sense of humor. My situation has provided tons of material to feed my cynicism. I understand why people would feel sorry for me, but I'm not looking for pity. The reason I went on FaceBook in the first place was to keep in touch with friends, find old ones and maybe make some new ones. Because I can't work, I miss out on a lot of normal social interaction. Although I have always been a bit of a loner, it was isolation by choice and now I'm just isolated. The online world changes all that. With my laptop, I can participate just like everyone else and no one even needs to know about the MS unless I choose to tell them.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be taking a roll down memory lane.

No comments: